Look at this god damn thing. It's a work of art. The deep purple, the kingly gold, the horizontal stripes. It's like whatever grandmother knitted this reached deep into my wet dreams and retrieved this from the ether to display it so finely on a weird ass mannequin. Not that I'm complaining. While I'd love to wear it, I will also gladly ogle it like a picture of Jennifer Lawrence in a bikini, because dat ass.

Or, in other words, dat sweater.

The post-draft sex glow is all about us as we move into the doldrums of the NFL off-season, but there's still much to talk about with the Vikings 2013 NFL Draft picks. In Purple Jesus Diaries' NFL Draft-or-Bust Off, we review each pick in turn and provide some further amateur insight for you. Previously we looked at Sharrif Floyd, Xavier Rhodes, Cordarrelle Patterson, and Gerald Hodges, and today, we continue with the Vikings fifth round pick, Punter out of UCLA, Jeff Locke ...

Who?

JEFF LOCKE IS THAT SON OF A BITCH THAT MADE CHRIS KLUWE SIGN WITH THE RAIDERS!

OK, not really. That's Rick Spielman's fault. Jeff Locke is just a punter from UCLA, a basketball school. Of course, everyone's favorite punter Chris Kluwe also came from UCLA, so maybe that means he has good pedigree. Usually, this is the area where I also give you information about a player's measurables. You know, how tall a receiver is, how much weight a linebacker put up, how short Sharrif Floyd's arms are ... That sort of thing. But I'm not sure what measurements they use at the combine that give us any insight into punters. Are tall punters better? Does it matter how fast they are? What if they can't jump? I don't know either. Locke kicks footballs, so let's just assume he's decent at that.

I guess he punts left footed. So that's something.

I could also name this post "Minnesota is the only state that understands how evil Wisconsin is" but that title would end in a preposition and was probably too long, so I skipped that title.

Instead, look at that stupid map? Look at how stupid the rest of the country is? Every other football fan or even glory hole Packer lover around the nation seems to think the Packers and Aaron Rodgers are going to win another Super Bowl. Maybe that doesn't sound SUPER far fetched, right? Like, hey, Rodgers is one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL so why shouldn't he lead the Packers to another Super Bowl during his prime of the next five years? He's already got one. And the NFL is a quarterback friendly league, so the NFL is obviously trying to set him up for success. Cheating to do so, even.

That all sounds great, until you remember that the Packers defense is AWFUL and they let Christian Ponder throw for over 200 yards against them. Brilliant footballing there, doofuses.

Welcome to Purple Jesus Diaries' Point/Counterpoint, where we interview two experts on a hotly contested topic of interest for Minnesota Vikings fans. This week, we're tackling the news of former Eagles, Redskins, and Vikings quarterback Donovan McNabb retiring. We asked an Eagles fan and a Vikings fan to make a case in support of their own team as to why McNabb should wear their colors upon retirement ...

POINT: Eagles Fan

DONOVAN MCNABB SHOULD OOOBVIOUSLY RETIRE AS AN EAGLE BECAUSE HE PLAYED THE BEST YEARS OF HIS LIFE WEARING THE GREEN AND BLACK. THINK ABOUT THIS ... FROM 2000 TO 2004, MCNABB LED THE EAGLES TO FIVE STRAIGHT PLAYOFF APPEARANCES. HE WAS IN HIS SECOND YEAR WHEN THE STREAK STARTED AND WAS A WILY OLD VETERAN OF SIX YEARS BY THE TIME THE EAGLES OBLITERATED ALMOST THE ENTIRE LEAGUE BEFORE LOSING TO THOSE CHEATING PATRIOTS IN THE SUPER BOWL OF THE 2004 SEASON. OF COURSE A PLAYER OF THAT CALIBER SHOULD ONLY EVER BE RECOGNIZED AS A PHILADELPHIA EAGLE, RIGHT WHERE HE BELONGS. HEY, THEY SAY HE USE TO CHOKE AND COULDN'T WIN THE BIG GAME, BUT DID YOU EVER LOOK AT THE TALENT HE HAD TO WORK WITH AROUND HIM? TAKE AWAY BRIAN WESTBROOK AND YOU WERE LEFT WITH FREDDIE "FRED-EX" MITCHELL AND GREG LEWIS. YOU CAN'T WIN ANY GAMES WITH THOSE MORONS! MCNABB WAS, IS, AND ALWAYS WILL BE AN EAGLE AND IT'S A GOD DAMN HONOR TO HAVE HIM RETIRE AS ONE.

Despite several aggressive and haunting beatings provided by Vikings fans to the contrary, those god damn rumors about former Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher joining the Minnesota Vikings just won't die. Fans have tried breaking the rumors' nose, shattering several ribs, burning their house down, and threatening legal action, all to no avail. Somehow, these rumors keep coming back, and sometimes even stronger.

Which raises the question; will Vikings fans have to plan an assassination attempt on these Brian Urlacher to the Vikings rumors before they go away? We investigate.

On Monday night, at a special event at a place most football fans have never stepped foot in before, the Minnesota Vikings took to the Wurtele Thrust Stage at the Guthrie Theater to unveil the design for their new stadium. Set to break ground in 2014, the new stadium is an engineering marvel, incorporating the world's largest ethylene tetrafluoroethylene roof, enormous pivoting glass doors out onto an expansive plaza, 1.6 million square feet of space, 65,000 seats expandable up to 73,000, and 125 suites with some offering the closest spectating location in all of the NFL. A true marvel.

But what AREN'T the Vikings telling you about this new technological terror they've constructed? Purple Jesus Diaries, of course, has your answers.

Despite a down season in 2012, the Detroit Lions are feeling good heading into 2013. You may ask yourself, is that even possible? I mean, the team went 4-12 last year and looked AWFUL doing it, despite having arguably the best receiver in the game and a pretty good quarterback too boot. Yet their defense was lacking, their offensive line was questionable, and the team did little to nothing to upgrade these positions in the offseason.

So why is Lions defensive tackle Nick Fairley sitting here talking about the Super Bowl?

"I expect big things" he said in a recent interview. "I am going to say we are going to the Super Bowl" Fairley continued, "because they give tickets to pretty much any NFL player to attend the big game."

Full disclosure here. I care enough about your mother - even if you don't - that I purposefully didn't post this article until the last business day of this week, because I didn't want to leave you enough time to order these awful items to give her on Mother's Day. That being said, yes, with Mother's Day coming up this Sunday (you're welcome for the reminder), we have scoured the Minnesota Vikings team store and found the top three items you should absolutely not be giving your own mother this Sunday, unless you want her to hate you. Assuming of course that she doesn't already, which is a pretty big assumption.

Did you already buy these items? Well, consider this all fair warning then to send it to the trash like a prom baby. Now, on to the mishaps!